Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I'm Feeling Good

Well, after a very rough and horrible weekend... looks like things may be looking up after all... Have this amazing opportunity with my best friend for something that would be amazing... I am so fortunate to have him in my life, because I know that he is one of the only ones who really knows what it is that I deal with everyday.... He is supportive and knows me probably better then I know myself... I feel so much better today, yet for some reason tonight, the obsessive thoughts began to creep back in... I just wonder how long it will go on? I am still looking into and very much interested in ECT and hope that I can get it all worked out so that I can have it done... it looks like that may be one of the only saving graces I have left.... but at least for now I have one good positive thing that is lifting my spirits some!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A new day? or is it?

Ok, so my day I thought was going to start off good... then it happened.... One of the one people who I find harrassing I had to see, within an hour of waking up.... So I handled it the best I could, with dignity and respect, but inside I felt my heart was going to beat out of my chest and thought I might throw up.... So the day went on looking into what my options are legally against this person, yet because a "technical" criminal act has not been completed, I am at their mercy and not my own. I have to put on the fake smile and pretend like everything is fine, when inside I feel like crying and curling up in a ball and bawling my eyes out. I just wonder what it is exactly that I ever did to these miserable people for them to hate me this much. Should I focus so much energy on it, of course not.... yet i don't know how to make it stop! any suggestions>>>>>

Monday, September 27, 2010

Back from the hospital???

Ok, so I had a very interesting few days. Since my last posting, I was admitted to the hospital. I went really more then anything just to have someone to talk to, however, their idea of talking involves admitting you and keeping you in their prison of a hospital on the psych ward, until they say it is okay for you to go home. Ok I get that they are just trying to make sure you are safe and have a safe place to be. But honestly, there should be the ward for those who are depressed and a ward for those who are literally crazy! How is it I get to share a ward with people who talk to aliens and think they are part of the fifth element (whatever that is) and then the one or two of us who are just plain old depressed???... How is that possible exactly? However I do have to say the cocktail of whatever 3 medications they put in a lovely shot for me in the ER, definitely works! Not only does it calm you down, but it makes you incoherent for the next day and half too. I have to say that of all my visits to the hospital, this was definitely the worst of them all!
I am home now and trying to figure out the following: did I come home too soon because I am still obsessed with the same issues that plagued me before? or did I come home too soon because I just couldn't stand being in the mini jail they had me in? Hmmmmm..... I guess I will never know which it is... I just wish I could get the obsessive thoughts to go away.

So I guess at this point I am hoping that ECT will somehow work. Because if not, I just don't know what else to do!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Trying to find relief

Ok, so I am trying to figure out, what is the best course of treatment for someone like me. You know the type, where 75% of the time is spend in a chronic, severe depressed state over anything and everything and the other 25% is just spent like what others' would call "normal".  So does this mean that it will never get any better to the point that I can experience those "highs" in life, I like to call joy or happiness? Well I hope not... I would love to know for one moment what it is like to spend 75% of my life in a "normal" everyday state and the other 25% in a joyous and happy state. So the question is: is this something that is possible.

I remember a story I had seen on TV once about 2 years ago. I was about the actress Carrie Fisher, you know, the girl from "The Exorcist". So anyway, I see her talking about something that at the time I thought was absolutely crazy and would be completely crazy. But then again, I am crazy so how far off could it be. So she begins to tell her story about her struggle with severe depression and bipolar. Here's where it gets good. She said that she didn't know what else to do when it came to treatment. So she decided to undergo ECT. ECT stands for Electro Convulsive Therapy.  I know, I know.. sounds crazy, right? Well, upon doing my own research regarding the subject, I found that actually it is probably one of the most helpful treatments for people with severe depression and bipolar.

I know it probably sounds a little crazy, yet I can't help but think, what if this is the answer. Yes it essentially creates a seizure, but what if it actually can finally make those parts of your brain that don't fire correctly, to do just that. What if it is possible to have these treatments, which are usually 3 times a week for 2 to 4 weeks and come out of it feeling better then ever. Are there drawbacks to this, of course. The biggest being, that you may or actually will lose your memory for about the previous 4 to 6 months. Now for most that may seem horrible, but I figure it this way, some of the things that have gone on to cause this depression and mania of mine to worsen have happened in the past 4 to 6 months. So would it really be so bad to be able to forget some of the worst times of my life..... I think not!

Of course I have to try and decide if this is exactly what I want to do, but right now, the odds are looking pretty good!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Completely Irritated

Okay, so another day comes and goes and this wave of depression has set in. Sometimes I feel like the Titanic, just waiting for the moment when the ship is going to sink. Yet for some reason, it doesn't... well not exactly. I wake up every morning and I'm still here, but inside I feel dead and wonder why my inside can't match my outside. I keep wondering when is that moment  when I will wake up from this dream or nightmare that keeps occurring. But I go to sleep and wake up and I'm still here. Don't get me wrong, I love the part of waking up when it comes to my kids and hubby, it's just the other stuff I'd like to stay in bed for. If the rest of me could sink away into oblivion I think I would let it, everything except the part having to do with my kids and hubby.

So what to do? I do everything like I "should". I go to therapy, I go to group, and I take my meds, yet for some reason none of it is good enough and I still walk around wondering what I am to do? They say "oh, take these meds, this one will be the one to work", so I do. They say "be a part of group, or DBT, which is the only treatment for Borderline Personality, so I do that too. I do everything the doctor's tell me to do, and yet nothing changes. My irritation for this is becoming unbearable. I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry until I fall asleep. I feel like I am dying a little bit everyday inside..... I just want to have a happy life with my family and leave all of the drama and hatred from others behind.

So maybe the answer is this: maybe it's everyone else who is "crazy" and I am the normal one.... could that be a possibility?  Probably not.... but I guess it's worth a shot trying to make myself believe that!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


So how is it that we live in a world with people who can continuous lie and cheat and steal and they come out smelling like roses. So here's my issue, we are supposed to love family and honor them no matter what, yet when they hurt you we are supposed to use "radical acceptance" to forgive and be able to move on. But how does one move on when their thoughts run in a circle of obsession... it is like a never ending cycle.... it is what therapist like to call "Ruminating". Okay I get that, but what do you do to stop it, when the thoughts and feelings and urges to continue with these thoughts is so overwhelming? I don't know! I also want to add to my many diagnosis, one of my favorites.."OCD".. yes, another nasty word that describes some of us, maybe all of us to one degree or another... for anyone who doesn't know what that stands for, and I mean you who have been living under a rock, it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder... So you have a thought come into your mind, then this tape begins to play, only it is one that is broken, and it plays the same thoughts over and over and over... It's kind of like a broken record where you get to this one part of a song and it skip and get stuck on that one note, until it drives you absolutely crazy!... Well we are talking about us crazies in the world....

So here is the problem, this obsession I feel, is over a family issue that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, it just doesn't go away. the thoughts still come, over and over and over again until I drive my spouse absolutely crazy.... I obsess to the point of where I can't focus on anything else except the questions I want to ask and the answers I want to know... but do you know how tiring that is? Exhausting!!!

So here we go again, another day, another obsessive thought, and now I am exhausted. I don't know how to get through this and would love to have any suggestions on figure out what to do next......

Monday, September 20, 2010

Is it mania or depression? You be the judge!!!

Ok, so this is my first blog ever and I don't really even know where to begin. My goal for this blog is to have a place to show how mental illness, whether mild or severe, affects every aspect of your life on a daily basis. I know for myself, it is an ever changing monster that never really seems to quiet. So here goes.....

Although to most, on the outside at least, I seem like your "normal", everyday, run of the mill mother and housewife. Here's the kicker, what people see isn't always reality. For the majority of my life I have struggled with mental illness. My diagnosis of choice: Bi-polar and Borderline Personality Disorder. Ah, there, I said it. The two words that have changed my life. 

Ok I know what you're thinking, they are only words, they don't define who you are. Well to a point I would say that is very true. However, defining yourself, in itself is tricky enough without a "label". So do I define myself by those terms, probably so. I tend to rationalize that if this is the diagnosis I have been blessed with, then this must be the true definition of who I am. The problem is that I have heard it said over and over that labels don't define you, yeah, yeah, I get that... however, my challenge is this: if I am not defined by these labels, then what is it that defines me? or better said, "who am I".

I will be taking you on this journey with me in the hopes that it will either help someone else or will give someone more understanding and knowledge regarding the topic of mental illness. 

So here's to the journey....