Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Completely Irritated

Okay, so another day comes and goes and this wave of depression has set in. Sometimes I feel like the Titanic, just waiting for the moment when the ship is going to sink. Yet for some reason, it doesn't... well not exactly. I wake up every morning and I'm still here, but inside I feel dead and wonder why my inside can't match my outside. I keep wondering when is that moment  when I will wake up from this dream or nightmare that keeps occurring. But I go to sleep and wake up and I'm still here. Don't get me wrong, I love the part of waking up when it comes to my kids and hubby, it's just the other stuff I'd like to stay in bed for. If the rest of me could sink away into oblivion I think I would let it, everything except the part having to do with my kids and hubby.

So what to do? I do everything like I "should". I go to therapy, I go to group, and I take my meds, yet for some reason none of it is good enough and I still walk around wondering what I am to do? They say "oh, take these meds, this one will be the one to work", so I do. They say "be a part of group, or DBT, which is the only treatment for Borderline Personality, so I do that too. I do everything the doctor's tell me to do, and yet nothing changes. My irritation for this is becoming unbearable. I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry until I fall asleep. I feel like I am dying a little bit everyday inside..... I just want to have a happy life with my family and leave all of the drama and hatred from others behind.

So maybe the answer is this: maybe it's everyone else who is "crazy" and I am the normal one.... could that be a possibility?  Probably not.... but I guess it's worth a shot trying to make myself believe that!

No comments:

Post a Comment